The Big Bang Theory – All The Dirt About The Girls

Penny : Doctor, please help me. I think I might be turning into a killer gorilla.

Doctor: Why do you think you’re turning into a killer gorilla and not just a regular gorilla?

Penny: Because regular gorillas are vegetarians, and I just bit the fingers off your receptionist.

Penny: Okay, we’ve seen plenty.

Bernadette: No, give me the remote.

Amy: Careful. She’ll bite your fingers off.

Penny: Okay, well, I’ve been poking around the internet, and I think I found something we’ll enjoy watching even more.

Amy: What is it?

Penny: Oh, just a video of Bernadette in a beauty pageant.

Amy: What?

Bernadette: Okay, I learned my lesson. Making fun of people is wrong.

Amy: I haven’t learned my lesson. Play it. Play it.

Bernadette: Hi. I’m Bernadette Maryann Rostenkowski from Yorba Linda, California.

Penny: You look like a talking cupcake.

Bernadette: And you should pick me for Miss California Quiznos 1999, because I want to tell you what I want, what I really really want, l tell you what I want, what I really really want, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna Really, really, really be Miss California Quiznos 1999.

Amy: Play it again. Play it again.

Penny: How could you not tell us you were in beauty pageants?

Bernadette: ‘Cause it’s embarrassing.

Penny: It is; it truly is.

Bernadette: Yeah, well, Amy writes Little House on the Prairie fan fiction about herself and posts it on the Internet.

Penny: No.

Amy: Why? What did I do?

Bernadette: Sorry, I had to get the spotlight off me, and tearing down other women is part of my pageant training.

Penny: Okay. We are reading that right now.

Amy: No, please don’t.

Bernadette: We got embarrassed tonight. Come on.

Amy: But it’s personal.

Penny: Why? Is it about you and Sheldon?

Amy: No.

Penny: Oh, my God, it’s about her and Sheldon.

Amy: It’s not about me and Sheldon. It’s about a young woman in the 1800s named Amelia, and the time-travelling physicist named Cooper she falls in love with.

Penny: Please show us?

Bernadette: Please?

Amy: No.

Penny: You know I’m gonna read it either way.

Amy: Good luck finding it.

Penny: Amelia and the time-trav… found it. It was just past dawn on the prairie, and like every morning, Amelia prepared to do her chores. Except something about this morning felt different.

Bernadette: Why? Why did it feel different?

Penny: Maybe it was the first whisper of winter in the air, or maybe it was the unconscious handsome man with porcelain skin and curious clothing she was about to discover lying in the field. A man who would open her mind to new possibilities and her body to new feelings.

Amy: You know, there was a time when I was alone and had no friends. I’m starting to miss that.