Coupling – Patrick’s Fake Wife

Coupling – Patrick’s Fake Wife

PATRICK:  IVAN, HI.
IVAN: PATRICK. ONE MINUTE– JUST CHECKING I’VE GOT THE RIGHT PLACE.
PATRICK: EXCELLENT.
IVAN: MASSIVE.
PATRICK: OKAY, SHE’S COMING. RIGHT.
SALLY: WHAT HAVE YOU TOLD IVAN ABOUT ME?

PATRICK: YOU WON A BEAUTY CONTEST WHEN YOU WERE 17, YOU WORKED AS AN AIRLINE STEWARDESS, A NURSE, AND A CATALOGUE MODEL.YOUR BRA SIZE IS 38-D, AND YOUR HOBBY IS MASSAGE. OH, AND IF IT COMES UP, YOU’RE COMPLETELY SHAVED.
SALLY: OKAY. WHAT’S MY NAME?

PATRCICK: WELL, JUST CHOOSE ANY ONE YOU LIKE.
SUSAN: I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU’RE DOING THIS.
IVAN: PATRICK.
PATRICK: IVAN.
IVAN: NICE PLACE, LIKE THIS A LOT.
PATRICK: GREAT.
IVAN: OH, AND THIS IS MY WIFE, MIRANDA.
MIRANDA: AND YOU MUST BE PATRICK.
MIRANDA:  HELLO.HEARD LOADS.
PATRICK: UMHELLO.
MIRANDA: HELLO.
PATRICK: SORRY. AND, UH– THIS IS MY WIFE SUSAN.
IVAN: IT IS GOOD TO MEET YOU AT LAST.
SUSAN: UH, NO. HANG ON, YOU SEE—

PATRICK: YEAH, THAT’S MY WIFE, ALL RIGHT. AREN’T YOU, DARLING?

SUSAN: NO ACTUALLY, LISTEN—

MIRANDA: DO YOU KNOW, YOU’RE EXACTLY AS I WAS EXPECTING.
SUSAN: NO, YOU SEE, THE THING– SORRY, WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

MIRANDA: WELL, SILLY OLD IVAN HERE THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO BE SOME KIND OF SEX BOMB. LOOK WHAT HE’S GOT ME WEARING. BUT HERE YOU ARE.
I MEAN, YOU’RE JUST SO SWEET, AREN’T YOU? “I WISH I CAN DO SWEET,” I’M ALWAYS SAYING.AREN’T I, DEAR? WHAT A PITY.

SUSAN: I’M SORRY?

MIRANDA: DIDN’T YOU WANT A RING ON YOUR FINGER? ARE YOU ONE OF THOSE GIRLS WHO FINDS THAT TOO COMMITTING? PERSONALLY, I THINK MY COMMITMENT RINGS ARE DEEPLY EROTIC.
SUSAN: NOT AS EROTIC AS MINE.
PATRICK: I DIDN’T MARRY HER.
SALLY: I WON’T GO DOWN WITHOUT A FIGHT.
MIRANDA: WELL, THAT WILL BE WHY, THEN.